hopelessness makes it easier

because i have nothing to hold on to.
no way to change things; nothing to expect.
hope is hard on a man.

i did the worst thing.
all i wanted was to visit, to see her, to laugh and smile together again.
she didnt know it, but she was my best friend.

the only possible way for me to see her was with a reason.
she needed a good reason to see me, i needed one to see her.

so i gave her everything back.
i gave her things i wish i had kept.
a friend wouldnt have minded taking care of another friends things.

everywhere i go, i see her.
i couldnt go from lover to friend overnight.
i couldnt do it over two weeks.
and those things at my place, they were my lovers.
she showed me this place, she was central to my life here.

on the way to give her everything, i realized i was making a mistake.
out of my undeniable need to say hello..
..was born a new precedent without the possibility of any more hellos.

for how long can we not say hello, can we not say anything?
its not worth guessing.
because that would be hope.

and, i, am hopeless.